The Victorious V.I.C.
"V-I-C. Let me hear the crowd say it! When I drop a platinum record, every monsters gonna play it . . .
BOOOO . . .
It’s finally October – my favourite time of year - because B-Side is all about those creepy-crawly, ghastly-ghouly Halloween vibes. This months tale features monsters, zombies, witches, ghosts, and best of all . . . VAMPIRES!
You may have heard of the famous rapper the Notorious B.I.G, but have you ever heard of the Victorious V.I.C?
*In case you haven’t heard of the Notorious B.I.G (because you are MUCH younger than me) then check out this out . . .
(Juicy - The Notorious B.I.G.)
I grew up listening to hip hop and I loved Dr. Dre almost as much as I loved Dr. Seuss! So, this month I decided to test out my own rap game.
Now, I am noooooo Eminem, but I was able to tap into the mind of a hip hop loving vampire . . .
Victor has always dreamed of becoming a rap star. Unfortunately, he has never been brave enough to step into the spotlight. After all, vampires aren’t big fans of bright lighting! He finally decides it’s time to spread his wings, get out beyond the comfort of his coffin, and make his dream come true. Every Halloween, Transylvania hosts its annual rap battle, the Monster Smash. This year, Snoop Wolfy-Wolf is there to defend his title, but can Vic prove that vampires can do more than just count? Hosted by Dr. Dre-cula, this is one rap battle you don’t want to miss . . .
The Victorious V.I.C.
by caitlin nicole evans
Dedicated to Radu Venter – not only do you hail from Romania AND share the same name as Dracula’s brother, but you have also helped to sustain my life as a writer this year. Your support and generosity are one of the reasons I can keep making silly stories such as this. Happy Halloween, Radu . . .
CLICK below to LISTEN to the audio version. I apologize in advance for my rap game. I attempted a Transylvanian accent - but it was scarier than Dracula himself! Anyways, I hope you will all enjoy listening as you read along . . .
In the rolling hills of Romania, tradition reigned supreme . . .
And in the town of Transylvania, tradition meant that humans roamed by day, monsters ruled the night, and the two did NOT get along.
Witches were brewing up trouble. It had been reported they were luring children into their candy-coated gingerbread homes to cook them in ovens and boil them for supper.
Werewolves were a TOTAL nuisance. One day they were perfectly pleasant and the next thing you knew they were causing a ruckus, howling at the full moon, and eating farmer’s livestock. They may have eaten a farmer or two, but that was only a rumour!
And then there were vampires. EEEEK! The monster on everyone’s mind, was of course, Dracula. He was the WORST. Thanks to his blood-sucking ways, humans across the land feared for their necks whenever the nighttime fell.
Garlic helped.
Wooden sticks were handy.
But, still, it was a dark, dark time for Transylvania . . .
Fortunately, tradition slowly began to change. Some young monsters were beginning to see the light, including a vampire named Vladimir Venter.
Vladimir decided biting mortal necks and drinking the blood of humans was clearly rather cruel.
This was the nineties! He thought, and surely there had to be a better way.
Plus, he found humans fascinating. He wanted to know more about their way of life. Fueled by concern and curiosity, Vladimir borrowed Frankenstein’s lab. Using the bewitching magic of science, Vladimir concocted a revolutionary new product. It was a source of vegan protein – nutritious, cruelty-free, AND pretty tasty!
He called it Beyond Blood. It was a real hit, in the monster world . . .
Zombies stopped feasting on brains.
Witches stopped boiling children-noodle soup.
Werewolves across the land turned vegan.
And, of course, vampires traded in human necks for Beyond Blood burgers.
No longer on the hunt for humans, all the monsters were free to take part in everyday mortal activities. They even discovered some pretty cool human inventions.
Like Nintendo . . .
Nike sneakers . . .
And Discman . . .
Monsters, it turned out, REALLY loved music.
Witches rocked out to Stevie Nicks and zombies zoned out to electronic trance, while everyone was hyped about hip hop.
Oh yes, times had truly changed.
BUT . . .
Some traditions lingered on . . .
Years went by and Vladimir had a family of his own.
He had three vampire sons. Darius the eldest. Dorian the youngest. And, Victor, in the middle.
Vladimir loved his sons, and he wanted them to be happy.
As an inventor he was full of futuristic ideas, but he was also stuck in some old ways of thinking.
As the head of the family, Vladimir wanted his sons to follow in their father’s footsteps. He longed for them all to join the family business.
When Darius was old enough, he made his father’s dream come true. Like most vampires, he LOVED to count. After studying accounting, he took over his fathers bookkeeping. Vladimir was delighted.
His youngest son, Dorian truly took after his father. He was very entrepreneurial, and eventually invented a popular morning cereal. He called it Count Chocula, and just like Beyond Blood, it was a big hit. Monsters AND humans loved it. Dorian helped expand his father’s business to include a wide range of monstrously tasty treats for all.
Vladimir’s middle son, Victor, did not quite fit in the same. Vladimir noticed the only thing his son seemed to like inventing was poetry. Victor could always be found with his headphones on, blocking out the world around him and writing in notebooks. Despite Victor’s disinterest in the family business, Vladimir still hoped his son would come to work. After all, one couldn’t make a living scribbling words on paper!
Eventually, Victor’s brothers convinced him come to work in the shipping department.
“You get to count all day!” Darius insisted with delight.
Since he didn’t have a job, Victor agreed, but he learned very quickly that checking off boxes just wasn’t for him.
Alas, Victor did NOT love to count.
In his boredom he daydreamed, tapping rhythms on the cardboard and making up rhymes in his head.
At home, alone in his coffin, he busted out beats and listened to classic hip hop tracks on his father’s old discman.
Yes, Victor DID had a dream. A very secret, special dream . . .
Victor longed to be the greatest rapper Romania had ever seen!
His father had no idea (he didn’t really listen to much rap), but Vladimir did know his son was unhappy. He suggested to his son that maybe the family business wasn’t Victor’s destiny.
“You have to follow your heart, Victor.” Vladimir was speaking from experience.
Victor knew following his own heart meant one thing.
Every year, Transylvania hosted the annual Halloween Monster Smash, a rap battle featuring some of the best new monster artists in Romania.
This year Victor knew it was being hosted by Hip Hop legend, Dr. Dre-cula.
He was as nervous as a witch on their first broom flight.
After all, this was a big deal and Victor wasn’t sure he could get on stage in front of all those monsters.
He calmed his nerves by doing the one thing that made him most happy. He placed his headphones on his ears and set about writing.
In the weeks leading up to Halloween, Victor prepared for battle, and by the end of October he felt ready to rap his way to victory.
The night of Halloween was never very scary for a monster, but when Victor arrived to the Monster Smash he suddenly felt spooked, as he scrawled his name across the sign up sheet . . .
What if he froze on stage?
What if he messed up his lines?
The bright lights were shining, but Victor knew he had to whisk his worries away and focus. He watched the stage from the back of the crowd.
Snoop Wolfy-Wolf, an up-and-coming werewolf rapper, was dominating the night. Victor watched as he battled Ghostface Thrilla. Who knew a ghost could look extra pale?!? When Snoop Wolf won, the young ghost was so embarrassed he left straight through the wall.
Victor watched as Lil Witch and Zombie 3000 tried to defeat the werewolf, but Snoop was the monster of the night. The crowd was cheering so loud, Victor could barely hear when Dr. Dre-cula called him up to battle.
“And now, Snoop Wolfy Wolf will battle the Victorious V.I.C. Let’s see if this vampire has the fight – or shall I say the BITE – to beat our defending champion.” Dr. Dre-cula swayed his black cape, waving Victor onto the stage.
Filled with nerves of excitement and fear, Victor finally stood under the spotlight.
Snoop Wolf would start. He lifted his mic, and the battle began . . .
“I’m a one pack wolf. Lone wolf, independent.
Got this Smash battle title, and I’m here to defend it.
This vampire thinks he can beat this guy.
Please, you’re a bat! Flap your wings and fly.
Better fly away fast, better fly away far.
‘Cuz there’s only one winner and Snoop here’s a star.
Sometimes I’m a man, but then I’m a beast.
And when I transform then I’m ready to feast.
Feast on bats like you when the moon goes round.
You’ll be hearing me howl. Yea, that’s my sound.
But, I also got beats and I also got rhymes.
You think you’re hear to conquer, but it ain’t your time.
Go back to your castle!
Go sleep in your cave!
‘Cuz to make it as a rapper you had better be brave.
And you’re scared of the sun, son.
You’re scared of a cross!
You’re even scared of garlic.
N’ah you ain’t no boss.
What is this, Twilight, with your sparklin’ skin.
This ain’t the kind of battle that Batman can win.
Your cape and your fangs look like some lame disguise.
Think you’ll rock up on this stage and just steal my prize?
You must be mad, missing that suns vitamin D.
A vampire rap star? How can it be?
I was born for the spotlight, its just like the moon.
Plus you ain’t got rhymes. You can’t carry a tune.
No wonder you’re pale, you’re as white as a sheet.
‘Cuz I’m droppin’ lines, and I’m bringing the heat.
Go ahead – run your mouth – but you JUST GOT BEAT.”
Snoop Wolfy Wolf dropped his mic and took a bow, while the witches and warlocks went WILD! Monsters were mashing and ghosts were clapping their invisible hands. The zombies were usually totally zoned out, but even they were cheering for Snoop Wolf.
It was a tough act to follow.
Vic would have been sweating – if vampires could sweat. Fortunately, a few familiar faces had just joined the Smash battle crowd. Darius, Dorian, and his father, Vladimir all flashed fang-toothed smiles at Victor. With his family all there to listen, Victor felt encouraged and ready to fight.
He picked up his own mic, and began to battle back . . .
“Now, Snoop Wolfy Wolf, it’s my time in the light.
You may have the bark, but I’ve got the bite.
You see these fangs dog, so sharp and so white.
Well, werewolf meat is a rare delight.
You howl at the moon.
But, I’m a bat who can fly.
While you’re down in the dirt,
I’ll be chillin’ up high.
I don’t touch the sun,
But I hang with the stars.
You’re just a dog running loose, chasing cars.
I’ll be chasing my dreams, while doggy’s chasing his tail.
Ya, I’ll be number one. Getting’ cheques in the mail.
Think you can stab me in the heart?
Well, you better be quick.
‘Cuz Vic ain’t going down with some silly wooden stick.
No dog, I’m undead, so I’ll live forever.
Forever. Forever ever. Forever ever.
Ya I never say never, but you’re never gonna win.
This is the least spooky battle that I’ve ever been in.
Twilight? Alright, I’ve heard it before.
But the jokes on you dog, ‘cuz vampires score.
Witches love this cape and they love these fangs.
And they be fallin’ in love with these big bat wings.
The original Dark Knight. Better than Twilight.
My skin doesn’t twinkle. That’s only the spotlight.
If you’re messin’ with me, than you better be fly.
Your only half-man. I’m a bat in the sky.
Better to be bats, while these wolves are mutts.
We can’t sniff garlic, but they’ll be sniffin’ butts.
Yes, a vampire’s here rappin’ up on this stage.
About to put this sad dog back in his cage.
Snoop Wolf is a sham, just playin’ a part.
All he wants is the fame. Nah, he ain’t got heart.
Now, I ain’t sayin’ he’s a gold digger, he’s got needs.
But, I’m chasin’ my heart, while he’s chasin’ his greed.
Ya, I think we all know who’s really got game.
Notorious. Victorious. Ya’ll can spell out my name.
V-I-C. Let me hear the crowd say it.
When I drop a platinum record, every monsters gonna play it.
Oh, I’m sorry dog. You look sick to your tummy.
Is it time that we call poor Snoop Wolfy’s mommy?
Speaking of mummies, I turn to the crowd.
All you witches and warlocks, come sing it out loud.
All the zombies in the house say grrrrrrrr.
All the witches in the house say wooooo.
All the werewolves in the house - you can shut your mouths!
But, can I hear all the ghosts say boooooo.
Boooooo wolf! Get out the way.
Get out the way, dog – it ain’t your day.
I’ll say “Hey”, then you say “Ho”.
Do we all think it’s time for Lil Bow Wow to go?
‘Cuz I brought the tricks. Ya, I brought the treats.
And I think the crowd knows, dog.
It’s you who GOT BEAT.”
Vic didn’t need to drop his mic. He already felt victorious. The crowd was cheering louder than they had all night. Over the witches “woos” and warlocks “hoos” , Victor could hear three vampires applauding the loudest.
Vic went on to become a major star. He even formed his own rap group – the Wu-Fang Clan. Their album went triple platinum, and The Victorious V.I.C. became an household name in the world of hip hop.
His family was very proud, including Vladimir. He might not understand rap music, but he finally understood his son was just like him after all. He was a creator AND he was brave enough to try.
Just like Vladimir had brought humans and monsters together with Beyond Blood, now Vic was doing the same. Thanks to Victor’s success, humans started to attend the annual Monster Smash. They could now be found mashing alongside zombies and ghosts at concerts, excited to see the Wu-Fang Clan and other monster-made music.
Yes, Vic had truly made his dream come true.
AND . . .
It turned out one really could make a living from scribbling on paper!
The End
Reading Recommendation: Oh, how I LOVE Halloween. There are just too many books to recommend. So, how about a few of my favourites . . .
Stumpkin, by Lucy Ruth Cummins, is a ghoulishly delightful display of black- and-white art juxtaposed by bright orange pumpkins. Including the stump-less pumpkin, Stumpkin. The illustrations are worth the read, and the story itself is wickedly cute.
Bonaparte Falls Apart, by Margery Cuyler and Will Terry, is filled with bone-tickling puns and plenty of monstrously magnificent illustrations. It is the perfect Halloween story to read to your little ones, with a great lesson about feeling accepted. Especially when little monsters, like Bonaparte, have to head back to school.
Lastly, Gustavo, the Shy Ghost is a wonderful children’s book by Mexican author and illustrator, Flavia Z. Drago. The award-winning artwork is filled with Day of the Dead imagery. Bright coloured calaveras (skulls) and calacas (skeletons) haunt the pages alongside Gustavo the ghost. It’s no TRICK – this book is an absolute TREAT!
Stay tuned for next month’s B-Side Story, also about a little monster! And this October be sure to make time for pumpkin carving, trick-or-treating, costume making, AND candy eating!
HAPPY HALLOWEEN & HAPPY READING . . .